Gang banger of New York

When a place is always closed when you wanna go there, you start to develop some negative feelings towards it. Closed at 3 on a Thursday when all I want is a cheeky feed on my way home from work… The fuck is that about? 

Anyway, today the stars aligned and I thought to come to Wiseguy Espresso and Schnitzel Bar in humble Albany Creek,  Brisbane’s north side suburbia. I don’t know why these (wise)guys are shooting their business in the foot by closing at 3pm every day… These burgers stand toe to toe with some of the CBD’s elite. 

I had the “Gangs of New York” burger, a formidable beast named after a formidable film (most of their burgers are named after gangster films). This monster was rocking double schnitzel, double cheese, pickles, smokey bacon, mustard, and aioli. Not a shred of salad in sight. This combination was a messy, delicious treat and was well worth waiting until I was free during their offensive opening hours.

I award this burger 4/5. I will be returning to try the “Raging Bull” next.
Satisfaction: Leo should have won an Oscar for this burger

Side of the week- Burger Urge

Ever been let down by chilli fries?  Ever been so mouth wateringly keen for some delicious chilli beef and cheese generously loaded onto French fries only for it to be delivered to you with a weak cheese sauce and sweet chilli drizzle?

If you answered yes, then you need to get yourself to Burger Urge and wrap your lips around our side of the week! Loaded up with tasty beef, cheese, chilli and tomato sauce, and jalapenos… Fuckin cracker m8

Brisket Bastards

This the Getta Brisket from Getta Burger Ashgrove. 

Succulent smokey brisket,  awesome sauce and fresh as fuck coleslaw. 

No more to be said.  This is perfection. 

5/5

Satisfaction: *cries*

Eat Shit // Embrace Death 

Wet My Whistle!

This shot was lit… The Pig and Whistle on Eagle st isn’t the first place you’d think of when wanting a quality burger. I was there last night for the annual Harry Potter Trivia (I didn’t win, Avada Kedavra myself pls) and lo and behold when I approached the counter to order I was suddenly expelliarmus’d. A delicious sounding better HERE? Well I’ll be a Dursely’s nephew, I had to order it before you could say Expecto Patronum.

Delicious beer patty dripping in cheese. Crispy bacon charred in just the right place, beetroot, the usual salad accompaniments, and a rich BBQ sauce concoction that would make even Snape smile a little.
Would exchange muggle money for this again. 
4.5/5

Satisfaction: Did someone slip me a love potion before I bit this bad boy? 
Eat Shit // Embrace Death 

Burger Purge

The New Yorker from Burger Urge. I almost have nothing to say because this burger was so middle-of-the-road plain and simple that it’s hard to put words to it. It was… Fine. Just fine. Beef, salad, bacon, cheese, BBQ sauce.

2.5 would be the score, BUT,  the maple bacon was good so it gets a 3.5.
Satisfaction: meh. It was filling
Eat Shit // Embrace Death 

A flame grilled review from Grill’d

Look at the fucking disproportionate sizes here!  Grill’d is pretty much a disgrace these days.  Offering healthy burgers should be a crime especially considering I’m trying to kill myself.  Grill’d is like going to your grandma’s house anticipating home cooked cookies or lamingtons but instead she beats you with her cane and locks you up as her sex slave. 

The Zen Hen did nothing for me.  Overcooked dry as fuck chicken.  Cooked to fuck. The buns were different sizes,  the salad was very much “how’s your father?” and the so called sauce/mayo was non-existent.  It probably fucked off with my dignity when I entered Grill’d.  

Overall disappointing and even the chips couldn’t save them this time. 

-1/5

Satisfaction: My girlfriend calls me mummy.  I think she has issues. 

Eat Shit // Embrace Death 

Whopper Fucker

You ever wanted to know what disappointment,  despair, loathing and voting for Donald Trump tasted like?  Go get a Whopper with cheese.  Firstly what the fuck was I thinking going to Hungry Jacks to begin with? The best thing about this piece of shit was the satisfaction I got when I saw a car accident outside involving a police car and a woman on her mobile.  

The patty was dry as fuck, the onions are raw,  no sauce, burger buns fell apart,  cheese slice was a weird colour (explains why it went straight in and straight out), and the burger was made by someone with two left feet and obviously ridden by polio.  

Satisfaction:  I wish Ralph Nader was still running for US President. 
0/5

Eat Shit // Embrace Death 

Side of the week: Mucho Mexicano Milton

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So yeah it’s been a while.  Soz! 

But anyway side of the week comes to you courtesy of Mucho Mexicano Milton!! 

You know I could eat cala-fuckin-mari all fucking day. And this was A+ squid.  Succulent and not over cooked like Nigel the homeless guy I once met at a train station asking for existential life tips. 

What really made Mucho’s calamari super duper special was the green chili aioli.  Hooooly mother of Nietzsche it was the PERFECT accompaniment to dip the juicy calamari into!!! 

Satisfaction: Diabetes has taken a holiday. 

Eat Shit // Embrace Death