Wet My Whistle!

This shot was lit… The Pig and Whistle on Eagle st isn’t the first place you’d think of when wanting a quality burger. I was there last night for the annual Harry Potter Trivia (I didn’t win, Avada Kedavra myself pls) and lo and behold when I approached the counter to order I was suddenly expelliarmus’d. A delicious sounding better HERE? Well I’ll be a Dursely’s nephew, I had to order it before you could say Expecto Patronum.

Delicious beer patty dripping in cheese. Crispy bacon charred in just the right place, beetroot, the usual salad accompaniments, and a rich BBQ sauce concoction that would make even Snape smile a little.
Would exchange muggle money for this again. 
4.5/5

Satisfaction: Did someone slip me a love potion before I bit this bad boy? 
Eat Shit // Embrace Death 

Burger Purge

The New Yorker from Burger Urge. I almost have nothing to say because this burger was so middle-of-the-road plain and simple that it’s hard to put words to it. It was… Fine. Just fine. Beef, salad, bacon, cheese, BBQ sauce.

2.5 would be the score, BUT,  the maple bacon was good so it gets a 3.5.
Satisfaction: meh. It was filling
Eat Shit // Embrace Death 

A flame grilled review from Grill’d

Look at the fucking disproportionate sizes here!  Grill’d is pretty much a disgrace these days.  Offering healthy burgers should be a crime especially considering I’m trying to kill myself.  Grill’d is like going to your grandma’s house anticipating home cooked cookies or lamingtons but instead she beats you with her cane and locks you up as her sex slave. 

The Zen Hen did nothing for me.  Overcooked dry as fuck chicken.  Cooked to fuck. The buns were different sizes,  the salad was very much “how’s your father?” and the so called sauce/mayo was non-existent.  It probably fucked off with my dignity when I entered Grill’d.  

Overall disappointing and even the chips couldn’t save them this time. 

-1/5

Satisfaction: My girlfriend calls me mummy.  I think she has issues. 

Eat Shit // Embrace Death 

Whopper Fucker

You ever wanted to know what disappointment,  despair, loathing and voting for Donald Trump tasted like?  Go get a Whopper with cheese.  Firstly what the fuck was I thinking going to Hungry Jacks to begin with? The best thing about this piece of shit was the satisfaction I got when I saw a car accident outside involving a police car and a woman on her mobile.  

The patty was dry as fuck, the onions are raw,  no sauce, burger buns fell apart,  cheese slice was a weird colour (explains why it went straight in and straight out), and the burger was made by someone with two left feet and obviously ridden by polio.  

Satisfaction:  I wish Ralph Nader was still running for US President. 
0/5

Eat Shit // Embrace Death 

Side of the week: Mucho Mexicano Milton

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So yeah it’s been a while.  Soz! 

But anyway side of the week comes to you courtesy of Mucho Mexicano Milton!! 

You know I could eat cala-fuckin-mari all fucking day. And this was A+ squid.  Succulent and not over cooked like Nigel the homeless guy I once met at a train station asking for existential life tips. 

What really made Mucho’s calamari super duper special was the green chili aioli.  Hooooly mother of Nietzsche it was the PERFECT accompaniment to dip the juicy calamari into!!! 

Satisfaction: Diabetes has taken a holiday. 

Eat Shit // Embrace Death 

Side of the week

Side of the week goes to the Shake Shack in Dubai.  Some of the best fries I’ve tasted. Crunchy on the outside and soft in the middle.  Who’d have thought a restaurant could get fries sooo right!! Oh yeah and the portions as you can see were fucking monster! 

Eat Shit // Embrace Death 

Sunday Bevs- Fritzenburger Passionfruit Kolsch

So Fritzenburger BNE was pretty shithouse but there was a silver (or amber)  lining.  These fuckers suck at burgers and frites but they brew beer with some interesting combinations.  I tried Fritzenburger’s “Passionfruit Kolsch”  and it was pretty damn surprisingly good!  Light on the palate and really easy to drink like a few kolsch beers.  So this is our Sunday Bev!  For once we haven’t done a fucking milkshake.  My diabetes is stoked. 

Satisfaction: Fuck Germans are weird

Fritzenburger -Fuck (this is a side because the portions are tiny)

This looks pretty good right?  Well what you see here is the start of a pretty shithouse experience at Fritzenburger Brisbane. The service was questionable and the selection of beers on tap was minimal (mostly from Newstead Brewery).  

So this burger was so fucking small this was pretty much a side so hence the reason I’m doing this review today.  I got the pulled pork with slaw and coriander and candied bacon.  The buns were probably the equivalent to what Maccas serve these days and the slaw was dry with no seasoning. The pulled pork was obviously bought in and it was chewy,  dry and tasteless.  The bacon was so tough I would’ve gotten more joy from sucking my dead grandpa’s dick. 

The loaded fries were covered in more tough as fuck candied bacon and for some reason they figured covering fries in shit would mask the fact they were under cooked.  You can’t hide that shit from us mother fuckers!! 

The real clincher for me was that the chef thought that sprinkling crushed Twisties on the fries was a bangin idea!  WRONG again fucknuts!  It looked like someone had shaved  their ginger pubes on it. 

This place has been hyped up so much by Urbanspoon.  Honestly those guys can get fucked.  This experience was underwhelming on top of the extremely small portion sizes.  I’m not even going to rate it.  

Fuck you/10
Eat Shit // Embrace Death 

Churrr bruuu Rd. 2

 Chur Burger Brisbane is a bangin’ establishment with great food and friendly service.  The 90s ghetto rap was kind of deafening but fuck it the grilled marinated chicken burger with mint slaw and hot sauce mayo was the shit! 

This burger was so delicious man! Sometimes niche joints like this can fuck it up like the Australian government has with the NBN or the fact Oporto is still operating.  This was juicy,  moist as a pair of pants from an escaped altar boy from the parish church and the smokey flame grilled flavour was bang on.  Sauce to meat to slaw ratio was nailed as hard as Jesus H Christ. 

Fucking beauty mates and can’t wait to return! I take back what I said about Kiwis and burger chains in my older review about Burger Fuel. 

Chur Burger is the kind of place that serves burgers so tasty it leaves one with a satisfied warmth in my already black heart. 

Points lost for ridiculously loud music. 

4.8/5

Satisfaction: This sort of experience is enough to make you apologise to your wife every time you come
Eat Shit // Embrace Death 

No Sleep Til Brooklyn Depot: cold burgers represent my life

So Brooklyn Depot has been hyped beyond belief so I decided to give it a crack like Ben Cousins gives coke a crack. 

I ordered the lamb burger “On The Lam”,  expecting a lamb mince patty.  What came was lamb pieces instead.  So naturally the burger didn’t hold up very well.  The contents of the burger just kept going everywhere and before anyone decides to give me shit about techniques,  I’m pretty experienced with gripping and filling my mouth. 
The burger had great flavour with capsicum (or red peppers for all you communist cowards),  feta and really beautiful tzatziki sauce.  Fresh lettuce,  onion strips and a quirky way to serve it on a hipster bread board was a nice surprise.  

Now these fuckers lose points for multiple failings.  Firstly,  the burger and fries arrived cold.  Secondly,  as mentioned above,  it was difficult to eat.  Holding it together was like watching my life fall apart.  Third,  the bun was nice but needed to toasted.  

Overall not bad but not geeat.  Will try again.  All you plebs about to defend this place like you did for Miel Container and Miss Kay’s,  bite me. 

Satisfaction : I love it when Daddy beats my ass with lamb back straps
2.5/5

Eat Shit // Embrace Death